Dear Elder Adams

Dear Elder Adams,
I wish I could send you this email to tell you how I really feel. I won't send it though. You don't deserve this torture distraction.
I listened to John Mayer the whole day today. I only listened to Neon once, but it reminded me of the time we went up AF Canyon and you brought your guitar. You kept saying how bad you suck at singing, but now you're in the choir in the MTC which made me laugh. You're right. You can't sing. But I still love your voice.
There's one song in particular that I want to share with you, and I'm mad that I didn't ask you if you knew it. I can picture you playing it though. It's called "Stop This Train". It describes exactly how I feel right now in my life, and how I felt the month before you left.
I'm really inside my head. I can't think about anything else but what I should have said and done and how things could have been and how they were. Was I right?
Was I right in how I responded and acted and treated you? And did you interpret it the way that I thought you did or that I wanted you to understand it? I wish you had kissed me, but I'm glad you didn't force me to subject myself to that psychological rewind and replay and rewind and replay replay every second of every minute. And the questions
the question should I have let him do that? Will he be able to focus for the next two years? Does he know I'm not waiting for him? Does he understand the volume of my secrets?
Did you ever want to talk about it more than I told you? Because I did.  I wanted you to reassure me that I was worth something to you. But not just something. More than I suspected. You never did tell me outright that you liked me. Was that because you were too afraid? You don't need to be frightened of me. Maybe you should have been. But I digress.
Put straight forward, I miss you. But more than I thought I would. I miss that I felt more comfortable around your family than I have around anyone else's, and how you treated your little brother and sister and your weird sense of honesty and how you were the first person to not once make me feel bad about myself and

that I'm changing my name and I never told you. I guess you never needed to know, but maybe I should have said something about it.
I started looking up wedding traditions for some reason and I thought about you
that was weird but it wasn't too.
I was texting Hunter and I almost told him that I wish he were gone in your place and that you didn't leave till October.
I also never texted hunter back about hanging out on the weekend and I dont regret it. I think its because I would have felt like infidelity

I can still feel the difference of your heart beat from my head leaning on your chest to pushing you away 
I cant stop listening to john mayer. maybe because it feels like youre not so far away when i do