Dear Carolina Liar

I said hi to you in the hall the other day, and you smiled at me. Out of courtesy I think. Isn't it sad how it's come to this?

I still remember the first day we met. Mrs. Jolley put us in our seating arrangement in choir and we ended up next to each other. I'm pretty sure my coy 9th grade self broke the ice by saying something like "omg who is that boy over there?", pointing at Hunter. I dimly remember you asserting yourself as childhood best friend, and future girlfriend, which I took as a challenge to win his affection. Right then and there was when I think we became bff's. I was thoroughly convinced I would win (after all (my detestable ninth grade self thought) I was attracting all the boys left and right) and I think we were both hurt when he chose my sister, although we tried not to show it. I remember playing it off when they held hands at my house, and trying to be as nonchalant as possible, even though I'm pretty sure we wanted to kick her out of the picture. I eventually gave up when I realized I had no chance, but we were better friends than ever, having bonded over our mutual jealousy of my sister and our uncanny similarities. I'd never had a friend like you before. I was feeling rejected from my former best friend after she decided a different girl was going to be her new best friend (oh how petty we all were then) and I was looking for someone to replace her, and you came along like my second self. We had so much in common (I sort of recall your want to escape from your friends at the moment but maybe I can't remember right) and it was a new door for both of us. And nothing bonds two girls together more than a friendly war for a boy. There's a blank space after the first innocent weeks of our friendship in my memory, possibly because I've tried to forget how much of a relief it was to have a true friend because I ruined it at the end. The only thing I can remember is being happy and choir, until I confessed my attitude of not caring if one of your friends didn't get the boy I currently liked because he chose me. And then I remember the rest after that. You know if that really is the reason our friendship came to a stop I'm sorry. I'm just sorry for the wasted potential that we could have had, and really, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I may have meant to at the time, but I certainly regret the heck out of it now. I was so blind by the want of shallow revenge, I didn't even give one thought about it. 

So, sorry. 

I'm sorry we didn't talk at lunch anymore, and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you in Seminary. And I'm sorry I said mean things about you to other people, and to you. And I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when Hunter died, because I know how much he means to you. And I'm sorry this is so long, but I didn't have the guts to tell you all this when I talked to you for the first time after 3 months at the black light dance. So I guess this doesn't make up for any of it, but I just want you to know that my heart hurts a little when I think of what our seemingly best friendship turned into. And I hope you'll forgive me.